My Story of Trauma & A New Direction for StringRise
I am coming forward to tell my story in a very raw and vulnerable way- I believe it will be empowering for myself and others, because authenticity is liberation. This is a public disclosure of what I have been through over the past year, and the unexpected path that unfolded before me.
I felt an undeniable call to make an impact through string education because of the way the trajectory of my life was changed through the violin. The birthing of StringRise was a culmination of my life experience – the healing power of music during my childhood, the call I felt to build programs for children like myself, and the desire to spread the knowledge I gained after successfully building programs from the ground-up over eight years. When I launched StringRise in September of 2021, I did not realize that my experience of life was one of survival, with the energy of flight-mode pulsing through me at all times. That often looked like pushing myself to constantly succeed and strive, and the inability to be present in my body. The busyness allowed to me avoid feeling the trauma I had survived.
As I was working behind the scenes leading up to the launch of StringRise, my dear friend Amber Sander, who was an amazing Violist and Suzuki Educator, had been diagnosed with Glioblastoma Brain Cancer. Amber always had the right words to say, and modeled love wherever she went. I witnessed her courageous fight with cancer, and in November of 2021, just two months following the launch of StringRise, I began to sense that my friend was going to be passing soon. After years of running and numbness, I paused and realized that she deserved for me to feel the grief of losing her. At first, it started as simply just tuning into my body. That tuning-in led me to see that I had previously interpreted my emotional numbing as a sign that I was healed, and grieving Amber’s impending death made me recognize my journey of healing had just begun.
In late December 2021, I took a trip to Colorado with my wife and twins. I can remember the feeling of the winter weather, the stillness, and the pause. Amber had entered hospice, and her time here was coming to an end. The imminence of her death had thrown me into heartache and exploration, and my emotions were surfacing. While in Colorado, I saw my therapist virtually, and we began to re-explore EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) as a treatment for my trauma healing. Despite embracing EMDR at arm’s-length, it began working immediately in the background, priming my brain and body for the work that was about to unfold. The following day, Amber’s husband Jeremy called me to tell me that Amber had passed. I will forever give credit for what happened next in my story to Amber. It was my authentic love and connection with her that allowed me to tap into my emotions, and through that, coupled with EMDR, my brain and body experienced a breakthrough into healing that I had needed all of my life.
In early February of 2022, my trauma fully surfaced, revealing all of the feelings and experiences that had been buried for so long. I could no longer hide from the childhood abuse I had endured, trapped as a prisoner in my own home.
Suddenly, I went from a person who had endless “go” energy, to a person who was buried under the rubble of everything I had been running from my whole life. I could not make sense of why I felt so strongly called to launch StringRise to then immediately experience a massive pause and overhaul of life as I knew it. I went into what I would define as cocooning, and I allowed myself to fully embrace this opportunity to heal.
Part of the work of EMDR and trauma therapy is creating a cohesive narrative by healing injury and fragmenting to your brain so that you can make sense and meaning out of your experiences. In my work as an educator and violinist, beginning strings was always my primary passion and focus. I knew first-hand the of power music education to create a pathway for children who may not otherwise have a chance, but it was my trauma work that gave me a cohesive narrative to understand what the violin had done for my brain in the midst of experiencing childhood abuse. The re-wiring of my brain and new neural pathways for hope created through a high-quality beginning foundation gave me the tools, strategy, and will to survive. Through the violin, I suddenly had a way to look forward and see a path out of the situation that had trapped me in terror for years.
I must pause here for a moment and give special thanks to Joanne Steele who was my dedicated orchestra teacher beginning in the 6th grade, that provided such a strong foundation. While I did not ever disclose to her the pain I was enduring at home, she was committed to my desire to learn and expected nothing in return for the days she showed up early before school and stayed late after. She gave me rides to concerts, helped me get scholarships to summer camps, and unwaveringly believed in me. Most importantly, she prioritized high-level technique in the beginning strings room. Through gifting me with a solid foundation, she quite literally put the power in my hands to forge a path forward on my own terms. For a child who had experienced such powerlessness, this was an invaluable gift. Thank you, Joanne.
Even though my energy was subdued as I embarked on this trauma work during the first year of StringRise, I am proud of what we accomplished. We provided consulting to build several new programs for underserved children, have worked with school districts across the United States to provide training for teachers and workshops with students, partnered with symphonies on outreach events and trauma-informed workshops, lectured at universities, presented at conferences, and sold our products in all 50 states and internationally.
Now it is time for this cohesive narrative and meaning-making to emerge out of my story. StringRise will be officially heading into a direction of trauma-informed work and resources for educators. We will continue the work of equity in the same capacity as we have. However, our overarching focus and developments will be honed in on trauma-informed education and the powerful capacity for healing through string education. I am committed to openly sharing about my healing journey in a more public way, and alchemizing my experience because authenticity is liberation. I am excited about this transition, and now I know it is why I have always felt such a deep calling to this work. Our work as music educators is incredibly powerful, and I am excited to bring the intersection of my life experience and trauma-informed educational practices to the forefront.
Lastly, I am dedicating my work in honor of my friend Amber Sander. Amber, you once looked me right in the eyes and said, “Nicole, you are a trailblazer- don’t try to be anything else”. I hope I make you proud, friend.
Jeremy (left), Amber (center), Nicole (right)
